She called me a "fucking nigger!"

I've been running around the Reservoir in Central Park regularly for the last few weeks.  I like it when I see the same people every day, and call them my "friends" which really makes no sense, but I like it.

Today I made two new friends.  One woman passed me and said "Congratulations!"  I turned around because I had my headphones on.  There was a guy behind me, and I verified that she, indeed, congratulated me on... something.

I also sit, for a while, at a certain place.  (A new habit, I'm not sure I'm crazy about, because, I've begun to stop running every time I come to this place.)  As I was sitting there, a woman who, earlier in my run, it seemed had 'spit' in my direction and gave me a dirty look, passed me again. This time, she called me a 'fucking nigger!" and flicked me off.   All I could say was "God bless you," because it was clear that she was possessed.   I use that word because when she first passed me, I got a vibe off of her.  I'm pretty good at discerning what these vibes mean.  Also, WHO in their right mind would call a stranger (who has the capacity to clothes-line them) a "fucking nigger" in the middle of the day in NYC?

It's funny.  While this has been on my mind, I wasn't hurt by what she said.  I am actually sad for her.  Anyone who has so much rage that they spew hatred at total strangers is someone who is tormented.  She wasn't your run-of-the-mill homeless looking 'Crazy" either.  She was actually attractive (with the exception of the hatred that lives on her.)  She had long, dark hair, was slim, and dark.  She looked to be Latina and/or Asian (ironic.)

This is the second time that I can recall being called a nigger.  The first was when I was walking down the street in college.  Someone from a car yelled it out.  I had to turn around and see who they were talking to.  It was me.  I remember finding it humorous.  

That word has never hurt me (personally.)  I know who I am.  But I understand the implications and ramifications of what it means, universally.  I'm more concerned with the people who would never say it to my face.  Those are the ones who could really hurt you.  (Those and the crazy cops.)

I was really proud of myself for how I reacted to her spitting at me and calling me names.  Then I asked myself if I'd have been so gracious had she called me, 'old', or 'fat', or said "no one will ever want to be with you," or "it's too late for you, give it up!"  I realize that I may not have been able to brush those things off so easily.  It's not the words that others use against us that hurt, but what we believe about ourselves that falls into agreement with those insults.

It is a strange time that we're living in.  This post-Obama nation has shown that it has not, nor does it truly wish to move beyond the hatred upon which it was founded.  I have gone out of my way to avoid reading or seeing too much about what happened in Ferguson, or on Staten Island.  I really don't know what good my emotional involvement would do for the cause.

I believe that  prayer is powerful, and that is how I will choose to serve these causes. (And for my non-praying friends who think I'm living in lala-land, marching isn't helping, nor is complaining on-air or on Facebook.)

One thing is for certain, had I not been in 'a state of prayer', when I was in the park, I would have been very upset about that woman.  I may have even reacted differently in the moment, and who knows what could have happened then.  I was able to recognize the "thing" that was "on" this woman WAY before she called me any names, and for that I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the congratulations I received.  For what?  Any number of things, I suppose.